Unapologetic crummy mummy (to be)

I hate being pregnant. I have hated every moment. I don't use that word loosely. I'm 28 weeks along and I can no longer remember a time when I felt calm, comfortable or content. This is my first baby. The pregnancy was not planned. I am scared shitless for what the future holds. Everything has become so loaded with anxiety, apprehension and stress for what is to come. I've never been the most maternal of women. I have little to no interest in other people's children and could think of nothing worse than spending my time in mummy groups and the like. I've always battled with the idea of motherhood. At once feeling like the idea of being at home, pottering around the house, cooking elaborate meals, to be quite idyllic. On the other hand, throw a screaming, dependent baby into the mix and the pretty picture melts into the abyss. I've always been a little cynical - prepare for the worst, hope for the best. I am preparing for a baby who is clingy, colicky and sleeps for 30 minutes a night. I'm hoping for a baby who is entirely self sufficient and communicative from the get go - possibly leaving the womb with a full set of teeth and a strong sense of independence. One can dream. I've honestly hated the forced delight thrust upon me by acquaintances and friends. The blank stare when I directly say pregnancy is horrific and if I could swap with my partner I gladly would. Why is this admission so distressing and uncomfortable for people? I really don't get it. WHY would anyone willingly and gladly succumb to the utter torture of your body, emotions and sense of self being slowly taken from you, almost metaphorically, as your swelling belly becomes the most prolific thing about you. There is no shame or guilt to admit this. I am, and always will be, a human being and an individual first. Second, I am going to be a mother. I will love this child and will protect them and teach them all I know. I will also tell them straight up that pregnancy sucks BALLS and they were the only good, glorious and wonderful thing to come from it. I think the main source of guilt I have felt, or that has at least been projected on to me, has been from friends who find it hard to conceive. I think my incessant moaning and negativity is too much for them sometimes. And I understand that. I can't imagine what it's like to see a future without kids, especially when you really want them. I on the other hand, have always toyed with the idea of a childless life. I think my uncertainty would have definitely been lessened had the choice or option been taken from me. I feel nothing but empathy for these women. However, it doesn't change the fact that I am finding this process incredibly emotionally and mentally draining. I am facing the prospect of being a mother with no mother or father here to guide me. I also have little to no relationship with my sisters, bar one, who is unreliable most of the time, and a younger brother in Australia. My relationship with my partner is crumbling from the pressure of it all. The financial strain has already started to show and I am feeling some extreme antenatal depression which is getting worse every day. I really wasn't overplaying who much of a shitshow this has become. And to top it all off, I have a constant and impending fear that after all of this is done and the baby is here, I will simply think, 'was it worth it'. I wanted to write this down so that I could gather my thoughts and process this. Also, I've heard that after you give birth a hormone is released that makes you forget everything pre-baby. I need to write this down so I can read it and ensure I never do this again. This will be my one and only child, and I will be the best mother I can be. But I won't be doing this to myself again, not for a man who fancies the idea of a brood or other women who think I should because I can, or in laws who want more than one grandchild, or society who think only children are lonely because FUCK THAT I CHOOSE ME.